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RULE 1 - Arriving For the Date
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd
better be delivering a package, because you're
sure not picking anything up.
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RULE 2 - No Contact With My Daughter in My
Presence
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You
may glance at her so long as you do not peer at
anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
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RULE 3 - No Fashion Statements
I
am aware that it is considered "fashionable" for
boys of your age to wear their trousers so
loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but
you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not come off during the course of
your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
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RULE 4 - Sex and My Daughter Don't Mix
I'm sure that you've been told that today's
world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method"
of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am a barrier, and I will
kill you.
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RULE 5 - Communication with Me
It is usually understood that in order for us to
get to know each other we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is: "early"
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RULE 6 - Exclusive Dating Only
I
have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with
my little girl, you will continue to date no one
but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make you cry.
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RULE 7 - Make Yourself Useful
As
you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and, more than an hour goes
by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her make-up, a process
that can take longer than painting the Golden
Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
don't you make yourself useful, like changing
the oil in my car?
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RULE 8 - Places of Dating
The following places are not appropriate for a
date with my daughter: Places where there are
beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature
is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movie which features chain saws are
okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk' homes are
better though.
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RULE 9 - No Lying
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues
relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth. I have weapons designed
to kill and maim, a shovel, and plenty of grass
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
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RULE 10 - Ending the Date
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little
for me to mistake the sound of your car in the
driveway for a chopper coming in over the plains
of Afghanistan. When my PTSD starts acting up,
the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you
have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car -- there is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the
window is mine.
Rules for Dating My Daughters